(пародия на спиритический сеанс по телефону)
And now, for the seance.
— Hello. My name's Beatrix Fountaine from Hungary. In a past life we were lovers, but then you already knew that, yes?
Welcome to the seance. Believe — it's real. Everything you know is a lie, and the things you don't know are all true. Confused? Confusion is the same thing as knowledge, if you look at it backwards. This is the space-time continuum. I want you to be honest with yourself, just yourself and me.
Was there ever a time you really wanted something and it didn't work out quite as you imagined? Or have you ever been in a relationship or a professional situation that did not work out perfectly? Or possibly a feeling in your stomach that something is about to go wrong? And then it does.
I know what you're wondering: how does she know all these things about me? Well, the fact is: I have gift, a gift I learned roaming the streets of Eastern Europe, having lots of kids and earning money by dancing and playing the violin. You see, I can divine the magical powers of the stars and numbers like pi, read the wind that […] to tell the future. I know sceptic scoff, but that is why they live such shallow and loveless lives and often end up dying. Well, as I'm immortal — more or less — don't let science blind you with the [stem] sense — there is a sixth sense and a third eye, cells you don't even know about - and I have both.
Let's go to the spirit line: 212-360-23-67, hullo?
— Hey, er, Beatrix? I listened to your show in the old station before you got thrown off. I'm SO glad you're back! I wanted to ask you about my boyfriend...
— Don't tell me! I can feel a very powerful force. Even before you spoke, I knew you're a woman with relationship troubles. Is your boyfriend a source of the trouble?
— Well, he, er...
— Don't tell me, don't tell me. I'm hearing things from the spirit world. You're too […], no — there it goes. It's going really quiet... What's your name, deary?.. Don't tell me, it's a girl's name. It begins with a letter... it's not Rosa, is it?
— Err... no, it's Martina.
— I knew it was not Rosa. This was the name of the peasant woman who stole my first child. Close, «Martina» - that was my next guess. The spirits were telling me both... No, wait... Martina, in a past life you were called ROSA! That's where that was coming from. Oh my God! Oh my God! You led a powerful army! You were a great woman! I see breastplates of gold shining as you march into the battle! That's amazing!
— Really?!
— Absolutely. You saved a civilization and were worshiped as a god. There are statues of you in [Tansmania?], covered in pigeon shit. There is a man with bad teeth and dirty hair who has just urinated on you. I think you always sort of knew this... No wait! The spirit world is fading... I'm going to hazard a guess: your great-great-greatgrandmother is dead.
— Yes. How did you know?
— I'm just a mouthpiece, deary. The spirits speak through me. She's telling me something... something about diamonds and true love...
— Oh, that's great!! Oh my God, I'm gonna marry a relly rich guuuuy! He's […] a lot of diamonds! You're kidding me! A rapper — well, that's great...
— No. It's going faint...
— WHAT?! NOOOO!!!
— Have you got another credit card? The spirit world is telling me the first card bounced.
— No, please, just tell me about true love! And the guy with the diamonds! Is it Tony McTony?
— I'd love to, deary, but the spirit dollars are devalued these days due to the world on terror. Besides, immortal worlds need to earn some paper.
— OK, it's Visa, 4135-9808-5665-1234, expiration date — 11/08.
— Great. We'll keep that VERY secure. Yes, the ghost world is telling me that's a proof for up to 500 dollars. Now, 500 dollars sounds like a lot of money. But apparently, this true love guy has a lot of diamonds. I doubt 500 means a lot to him — or to you — once you meet him and fall in love...
— No, no, no, no, it doesn't mean anything! Spend a lot, go for it, how do I meet'im?
— Wait... Wait... I'm getting something... You will meet him online. You should join an online dating service. Sleep with many men, wherein lies your prince.
— That's great! Er... But... What about my current boyfriend?
— He's not for you. His name? Albert?
— Er... No, it's Richard.
— Yes, yes, you're right. Thank you. He had a brother called Albert, a brother he doesn't know about. This explains why his life will be marked by failure...
— Oh god, that's horrible! How can you tell..?
— That's all we've got time for, deary.
— WHAT?! No, no, no...
— You're out of good luck. Enjoy the diamonds. Remember, please call. If you want to get on the seance, have a credit card handy. You can be happy, you will be. It's so close — a transaction away. 212-360-23-67. Who's on the line? Hello deary! This is the seance. But then... we already knew it.
— Yeah. Hi! I'm having trouble at work. I knew that! You're not a gondolier, are you?
— No...
— I knew that. I had a hunch. It was like a ghostly force telling me: this man living in Liberty City does not prepare a gondola for a living. Am I right?
— Yeah, Beatrix!
— It's not me, deary. It's the gift! It was given to me as an STD at a […] in Bulgaria. And I've been real […] hallucinating ever since. But I'm now in a passageway between one world and the next, yelling answers back and forth. Do you understand? Probably not. Some of you will hear good news, some of you will hear bad news. All of you will hear the truth...
— So the guys at work think it's ridiculous because I listen to your show. […]
— The guys! There's three of them, isn't there?
— No, there's about eleven of them.
— I knew it! To Ancient Egyptians the number 3 was the number 11. In the same way as the French word for «spirit» also means «avocado». Did you know that?
— No... I don't quite understand! I really have never been to Egypt or France!
— Please! Don't bring science into it! Doubters doubt everything! Personally I'd rather know. Which would you rather be, Bob? It is Bob, isn't it?
— No!! It's Michael!
— Exactly. That was a trick question. You were named after St. Michael.
— Nooooo! I was named after my uncle who died! Uncle Mike.
— I'm talking to him right now. Michael... He's visiting from the spirit world. He WAS a saint. He tells me he's very proud of you. He's saying you're a great and powerful man, only you don't know it yet. He's saying... He's saying... He's saying the struggles you are going through at work are exactly the same struggles he went through at fighting the [...]!
— Uncle Mike fought the […]?! I thought he was in destruction. He was a […]...
— He was, you're right. But before he was in construction, he fought the […] on [Hustak]!
— Wow! He rode a horse? I thought that uncle Mike died of a heart attack real young, because he was real fat.
— That's whet you were told, Michael. To protect you from the truth. He and your mother loved each other very much. And you are the result of a very unique family union in bond, the people don't talk about. Wait... Your uncle is telling me something... Wait, wait, wait, he is, he is telling me you're... you're the Chosen One!
— Oooohhhh! Wow!
— Yes! And he's telling me you've got a great quest. Only he doesn't know what it is yet. He is telling me you should call me a premium rate number every day until we can find out what it is. He is telling me it's very important you do this every day. You do that, Michael?
— Well...
— Michael, it's very important. He is telling me the future of the world depends on it.
— Wow! This is incredible!
— I'm just the vehicle. The cosmic bus. Like the buses on the dirty roads of Bulgaria where you can lay on the road and bring tourists... It's your life, Michael. Live it. If you take one thing away — take that, it's important! Wait... The spirit […] closed. Please call the line. Don't let your future happen without knowing about it first — or t may just become your past. Think about that. This is the seance.
***
Wow! It feels like Sunday morning all the time — on Public Liberty Radio, public radio that sips overpriced coffee and cries for the world. All the way to the left side of your raadio dial. It's PLR — Public Liberty Radio.
***
— OK, you are back. You have joined; turn up the lights, get to your quiet place, then call. Join the seance.— Hi! My name is Candy.
— I knew that, deary. I was told. We made love in [Maratenia] once. I was a swan. Let me guess — of course, it's not real guess, it's forces beyond are comprehensioned speaking through me. But let me guess: you're a Virgo this time, right?
— No. A Gemini.
— That's what they told you. I know, I know. But you have Virgo rising.
— No, actually I think I have Libra rising...
— I know, but I'm not looking at simplistic superficial astrology. Phh! Anyone can do that! I'm looking deeper into the cosmos, behind the Libra, […], to the left of Virgo-2 was the Virgin. It was also rising. And it is this conflict between the Scales, the Twins and the dreaded Virgin and a tax collector. It is this conflict that is tearing you apart! This is why sometimes you feel deeper melancholy and a heart-piercing grief. And why you seek [soul-listen] strangers. Right? I bet you did not know that.
— No... I thought it was because I had a trouble childhood.
— Of course you did. Your parents did not understand you. How could they, Candy!
— They tried, but I was...
— They were aliens... And you... you're an alien hunter who had her memory wiped and you keep having a dream where an alien […] crawls out of your stomach and [poops]. Only you can't remember it. That's the whole point... I'm speaking to the cosmos right now! Hellooooooo! Hellooooooo!! It is telling me... Everything is going to be OK! As long as you buy and read my book very carefully. Will you do that?
— Sure!
— But wait... Nothing! Rather than waste decades into training and meditating to speak to the other side, you can now take a shortcut — right out of your online bank account. Hold on... It's telling me something... It's telling me your luck will change if you spread knowledge. Buy 20 copies of my book. It's a clear message I'm getting. From the depth of a different dimension! Will you do that?
— Erm... [long calls]
— I'm sorry. You must have abound connection. Interference with the spirit world happens. Are you ready to descend into the realms of […]? I was there this morning. I have studied everything: Greece, Cyprus, […], ancient religions, chaotic pasts, sex magic where you strangle the person afterwards... Fantastic! It answers really important questions. The number is 212-360-23-67. Hello, Line 4! You have 5 minutes. The meter is running.
— Yeah!! Beatrix Fountaine? Tell me why I should have to pay for advice! It's insulting! If you've got a gift, you should share it for free!
— My, my! You've become quite a little firebrand since running a tavern in Krakow 500 years ago.
— Uh... Really? Wait, wait, tell me!
— Yes! You're in the tavern. It is in Krakow. Yes. I'm seeing it happen. You're wiping the bar with a rag […]. Do you remember a fat man?
— I don't know.
— You and the fat man are having an argument in the tavern. Oh no! A woman leaves quickly, shouting! I'm seeing it very vividly as if it were happening right in front of me. He's screaming! You're screaming, «I hate you! I hate you!» It's in Polish, but the spirit world has translated it for me. Have you ever... hated someone?
— Yeah!
— I knew this […]. You've loved someone you hated. You have conflicting feelings. Oh no! You are holding a man in the […]. You are enraged!
— Fucking eh! Am I gonna kill'im?
— You are about to SMASH his head on a bar!
— Awesome!! What next?
— Now you are holding his head in your hands! Now... you are kissing him!
— WHAT?!
— Yes, you are kissing him with a tongue now. He is grabbing your long hair, shoving his tongue deep inside your mouth! You are really enjoying this. The passion is exploding! Your hand is reaching for his growing...
— AAAAHHHH!!! God! No way! No fucking way!!
— The abyss does not lie. Now he has his hand down your trousers... You're very engorged...
— Ah!..
— You've done this before...
— Ah!..
— You know it is wrong, but you can not help yourself.
— Oh my god, no!
— Oh yes! You are about to take it from the big man now! Oookhhh! Oh my goodness, oh my goodness! I must turn the spirit world off. You have a girlfriend?
— Yes. Yes, I do. I... Oh! Shit! This is awful!
— This, of course, I know. I asked the questions to eat up time. Listen — you will break up with her tonight. Tell her about the fat man, and the tavern, and the passion, and his enormous hog 500 years ago. Tell'er all of this is true. And if she no believe, tell her to call Beatrix Fountaine. Your time is up. The cosmic wind has blown you back into the mode where you swim in sewage of the time stream, yes? The mouth is a graveyard for many animals. And the spirits sometimes want to talk. But if you want to talk, you need a credit card to talk... Hello Darline! [игра слов — darling]
— Wow! You know my name!!
— Of course, deary! I have a connection. I dial-up, I effendicate with the spirit world, and spirit dollars go into the account. Then they go to an off-shore spirit world where it's always warm. Wait... I am seeing two eyes... You had a teddybear, or a doll, or a toy? Or something when you were younger? It meant a lot to you, yes?
— No! Just a teddybear. I quite liked it.
— You carried this teddybear around to show people where the bad woman touched you?
— I don't... think so.
— No, you don't think so because you are living a terrible lie. Even you do not know. This is because you are a man. You are a man, and inside your spirit you are very upset that you are circumsized. And you've been trying to go back to that day...
— This is absurd! I'm not a man!! I have breasts!!!
— You are self-conscious about these breasts?
— Well... Yeah...
— You see. You now see because I see. This is not absurd. It is absurd because it has not happened yet? Is tomorrow absurd? Do not scoff at the future! It will be your past today. Not tomorrow! You will be a man. I want you to enter an altered state tonight. And all will begin to come into focus. Go to a biker bar, take some ecstasy — and all will become clear! Do not doubt me, I am licensed.
— But I wanted to ask about my baby and the... [long calls]
— Uuuhhh... I'm sorry. The spirit world is growing dark. Whether you're a child of the night, or running in an obturnal circle, or even if men are around you in a circle right now — remember: I can read minds. I know you want to call me. The price is irrelevant. What is the price of knowing the future? Of understanding the past? Priceless! Sometimes telling your fortune will cost a fortune. This is Beatrix Fountaine, gifted mystic with a special gift. Blessings to you! See you in the spirit world. Or online, at beatrixfountaine.com. Bye-bye!
